I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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