new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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