booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize