Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
