the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
