tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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