Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
