Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
