when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
