I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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