I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
