That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
