If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
