ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Holy sore nipples Batman
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
