She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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