Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
