maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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