I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize