the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
