Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
