I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
