my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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