Too much gin, very little bucket
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
