her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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