Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
