I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
