omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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