i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
