I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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