dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
