just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
