So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
