Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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