dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
