My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
