it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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