I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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