I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
