barbara walters just said penis...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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