So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
