Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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