think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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