Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
