i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
