I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
