i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
