In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
