you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's rum buckets o'clock
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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