yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
