Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
