Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
