I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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