my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
