It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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