if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We're too hungover to prance.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
