so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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