when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
